The Fourth Trimester
First off, what the heck is the fourth trimester? I thought there was only three! During my pregnancy I discovered that the fourth trimester is the 12 weeks that follow the birth of your child, accompanied by a large adjustment period as you adapt to your new life.
There are so many things that aren’t openly talked about when it comes to the postnatal health and wellness of new moms. So I thought it was important to share a few of my thoughts and experiences to help normalize what many women go through. I had no idea that baby blues affects up to 75% of us, diastasis recti (abdominal separation) is amongst two thirds of women after childbirth, and 1 out of 10 mothers will experience postpartum depression. The first few weeks after my daughter was born was nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster to say the least.
When Oakley was just four days old, I realized I had next to no nursing clothes which was making it more difficult to breastfeed. So I had my sister come over to babysit for an hour while my wife drove me to Wal-Mart – I was in too much pain and discomfort to be able to drive myself. I ended up having a total meltdown, uncontrollably bawling over the fact that we walked to the farthest corner of the store and the item I was looking for wasn’t there. I wore my sunglasses to hide my bright red face as the tears streamed down my cheeks the whole way home. It seemed ridiculous to have such a freak out over something so silly and I definitely laughed about it later, but I’ve spoken with enough moms by now to know that this kind of behavior was actually perfectly normal.
When I asked my wife what she remembers me crying about, she responded without batting an eye, “what didn’t you cry about?”. Every time Oakley smiled, pooped, outgrew her clothes, looked into my eyes, and everything else in between pulled on my heart strings. The tears I shed from joy, relief, sadness, and frustration were more than the last five years of my life combined. I’ve lived my life with some pretty thick armor, so it was quite the shock and adjustment for me to have so little control over my emotions. But I realized that I was learning to be vulnerable, and that was a good thing.
The hormonal imbalance causing my emotions to run high was just the tip of the iceberg. I bled for almost a month straight, I had to take a laxative to prevent uncomfortable constipation, I had night sweats so bad my clothes were wet every morning, and my self-esteem took a dive every time I looked in the mirror. Some days I’d forget when I last showered, and most days I had the notorious “baby brain”. I knew becoming a parent would be the ultimate sacrifice, but many of these untold truths took it to the next level.
It was a harsh reality check that I wasn’t going to be “bouncing back” to my pre-baby body as soon as I had originally thought. I had it in my head that I would, probably from being overconfident and from buying in to what other people said. “Breast feeding burns 500 calories a day!”, or “you’re so fit already, you’ll have no trouble”. This was not exactly the case, and I soon realized it would be a much longer journey than I initially thought to look and feel like my old self again.
One thing I will say is that the amount of unconditional love I have for my daughter trumps the challenging times. During a long night, Oakley would snuggle up to me for a cuddle and for a minute I’d forget all about the sleep deprivation. When she would cry, I only felt sympathy and determination to comfort her. When I was in a bad mood, one big smile from her beautiful face made my day brighter. Her milestones were bittersweet, because I was so proud of her yet sad that time seemed to have permanently sped up.
What I’ve learned in these three months is that there is no shame in the mental, emotional, and physical toll this experience takes on a person. I found comfort in talking to others who have also gone through this journey, because no one will know better than other moms. I asked for patience and support from my spouse, because there were certainly times I wasn’t the easiest to deal with. We joked that the “monster” from my first trimester was rearing its ugly head again, but we managed to get through it. And I found value in continuing to prioritize my wellness needs, because I knew if I couldn’t take care of myself I wouldn’t be able to be the parent I wanted to be. But it wasn’t just about hitting the gym or preparing a healthy meal anymore. I had a newfound appreciation for getting a good stretch of sleep, a hot bath, or going for a walk with Oakley.
To all the new moms out there: you’re doing a good job! Sometimes it might feel like thriving is impossible when you feel like you’re barely surviving. But ask for help (you are not alone), celebrate the small victories (like brushing your teeth or having a shower!), understand that self care is not selfish (quite the opposite really), and be patient. It might feel like the days are long sometimes, but the months fly by before you know it.
The Fourth Trimester
First off, what the heck is the fourth trimester? I thought there was only three! During my pregnancy I discovered that the fourth trimester is the 12 weeks that follow the birth of your child, accompanied by a large adjustment period as you adapt to your new life.
There are so many things that aren’t openly talked about when it comes to the postnatal health and wellness of new moms. So I thought it was important to share a few of my thoughts and experiences to help normalize what many women go through. I had no idea that baby blues affects up to 75% of us, diastasis recti (abdominal separation) is amongst two thirds of women after childbirth, and 1 out of 10 mothers will experience postpartum depression. The first few weeks after my daughter was born was nothing short of an emotional rollercoaster to say the least.
When Oakley was just four days old, I realized I had next to no nursing clothes which was making it more difficult to breastfeed. So I had my sister come over to babysit for an hour while my wife drove me to Wal-Mart – I was in too much pain and discomfort to be able to drive myself. I ended up having a total meltdown, uncontrollably bawling over the fact that we walked to the farthest corner of the store and the item I was looking for wasn’t there. I wore my sunglasses to hide my bright red face as the tears streamed down my cheeks the whole way home. It seemed ridiculous to have such a freak out over something so silly and I definitely laughed about it later, but I’ve spoken with enough moms by now to know that this kind of behavior was actually perfectly normal.
When I asked my wife what she remembers me crying about, she responded without batting an eye, “what didn’t you cry about?”. Every time Oakley smiled, pooped, outgrew her clothes, looked into my eyes, and everything else in between pulled on my heart strings. The tears I shed from joy, relief, sadness, and frustration were more than the last five years of my life combined. I’ve lived my life with some pretty thick armor, so it was quite the shock and adjustment for me to have so little control over my emotions. But I realized that I was learning to be vulnerable, and that was a good thing.
The hormonal imbalance causing my emotions to run high was just the tip of the iceberg. I bled for almost a month straight, I had to take a laxative to prevent uncomfortable constipation, I had night sweats so bad my clothes were wet every morning, and my self-esteem took a dive every time I looked in the mirror. Some days I’d forget when I last showered, and most days I had the notorious “baby brain”. I knew becoming a parent would be the ultimate sacrifice, but many of these untold truths took it to the next level.
It was a harsh reality check that I wasn’t going to be “bouncing back” to my pre-baby body as soon as I had originally thought. I had it in my head that I would, probably from being overconfident and from buying in to what other people said. “Breast feeding burns 500 calories a day!”, or “you’re so fit already, you’ll have no trouble”. This was not exactly the case, and I soon realized it would be a much longer journey than I initially thought to look and feel like my old self again.
One thing I will say is that the amount of unconditional love I have for my daughter trumps the challenging times. During a long night, Oakley would snuggle up to me for a cuddle and for a minute I’d forget all about the sleep deprivation. When she would cry, I only felt sympathy and determination to comfort her. When I was in a bad mood, one big smile from her beautiful face made my day brighter. Her milestones were bittersweet, because I was so proud of her yet sad that time seemed to have permanently sped up.
What I’ve learned in these three months is that there is no shame in the mental, emotional, and physical toll this experience takes on a person. I found comfort in talking to others who have also gone through this journey, because no one will know better than other moms. I asked for patience and support from my spouse, because there were certainly times I wasn’t the easiest to deal with. We joked that the “monster” from my first trimester was rearing its ugly head again, but we managed to get through it. And I found value in continuing to prioritize my wellness needs, because I knew if I couldn’t take care of myself I wouldn’t be able to be the parent I wanted to be. But it wasn’t just about hitting the gym or preparing a healthy meal anymore. I had a newfound appreciation for getting a good stretch of sleep, a hot bath, or going for a walk with Oakley.
To all the new moms out there: you’re doing a good job! Sometimes it might feel like thriving is impossible when you feel like you’re barely surviving. But ask for help (you are not alone), celebrate the small victories (like brushing your teeth or having a shower!), understand that self care is not selfish (quite the opposite really), and be patient. It might feel like the days are long sometimes, but the months fly by before you know it.
